Wow!!  How to begin on where I have been.  There have been so many ups and downs, so I guess I will just put it in a nut shell!

I originally started this site to journal about my depression.  I worked on this condition, and truly did a pretty good job, keeping it at bay-or so I thought.  I was exercising, eating better, I made myself a self affirmation video that I could watch when I was feeling down, and many other things.  

At the time that I stopped reporting on here though, I had progressed to much worse without even realizing it.  I had no motivation for anything; I didn't want to get out of bed most days.  I did because I had to, having a family requires work, but I was just going through the motions.  As soon as I had any free time, I was right back in bed or napping on the couch.  

I finally realized that it was time to get some help when I was having negative thoughts that I just couldn't seem to conquer, and thoughts of suicide actually entered my mind.  I couldn't stop the negative!!  

Now let me just back up a moment.  I was so ignorant as to how depression looked-I never would've considered myself to be a depressed person.  I mean I have an amazing family-my hubby and kids are wonderful, we are debt free, I'm the children's director at my church, I'm upbeat around people, I have a ton of great ideas, and in there somewhere I even managed to get a job that I absolutely love!  Plus I just have so many things I want to accomplish-I really love my life.

However, in my alone time, that's not who I was.  I was putting on a mask; I would be able to muster up the energy to just do what I had to do, and then go home in complete exhaustion, and hide.  I definitely was not being social if I didn't have to, I definitely was not accomplishing the things I knew I wanted to do, and I definitely was not being the woman or the example of the woman I wanted to be!  


I finally needed some accountability, I couldn't continue in this way, on my own.  In a conversation with one of my dearest friends, as we were discussing her son's depression and what his doctor had said and the medication he was on, I ended up realizing and sharing with her that these were the exact feelings I had been having.  She of course suggested getting some help, and that evening I finally shared all the negative thoughts I had been having with my husband.  It was very hard to tell him these things, because I knew it would hurt him.

God gave me a crazy picture that same night though.  It was like this:  If I had had a protruding bone, I wouldn't look at it and say, "Oh, I'll see if I can fix this myself," or "Well, let's just wait to see what happens, it will probably work itself out."  No, I would go to the doctor, and believe me I am pretty skeptical of doctors, so I wouldn't just go in for anything (that's a completely different story though).  And by the time I was voicing this issue and He had given me this image, depression was completely PROTRUDING in my life; in the areas it was not welcome!!

Well, I finally made the doctors appointment that week.  It was an appointment I had been saying the entire time I was working on my depression on my own that I was going to make, but never did.  This time I didn't hesitate.  Going into the office was hard; my friend encouraged me to not look at it as a defeat, but it was hard not to.  When the nurse was asking some basic questions to figure out where my depression was at, I couldn't even stop the tears from flowing.  I couldn't believe I was answering these with a YES!  How could this be me?  But I was, and I was at my wits end!   It turned out to be a great appointment-I do have a pretty awesome doctor.  I got on medication (again, something I was completely against), and we have been working to get me to a healthy place ever since.  


So, funny me, another thing that was suggested that I should do was going to counseling.  Of course I fought that too.  Even though my good friend had been talking to me about their experiences, and I could see how it was really nothing to be feared.  In fact, it was just a great life tool that most of us should be utilizing.  I mean, you are basically paying someone to listen to all of your problems, who is neutral to your situations, to see it with an outside perspective, and offer you tools and strategies to help you fix it.  What could be wrong with that?

Well, it took me using my poor hubby as a counselor, and him getting frustrated over a few situations, and somewhat exploding on a couple people involved-when I was just discussing, in my mind-for me to see that I needed to go into a real counselor and let my poor hubby just be my hubby.  Again, I didn't hesitate this time.  I clearly just have to learn things the hard way :-) I have been going for over a month now, and because our counselor is a family and marriage counselor she has pulled my husband in for support and growth for us both.  We have even had whole family sessions, and I have to say, I wish I would've done this sooner!!

She has taught us that the depression is probably being felt by the whole family, but since most women in the family tend to carry the emotional load, the depression just shows up in the mom or the daughter of the family.  Then everyone just thinks, "Oh, mom has depression,"  when really, we have all been dealing with it in our own way.  It is a household problem.  It was really great to let go of this heavy burden a bit.  

Something she had us do really had an impact on our whole family: She mapped out a great visual where my hubby and I mentioned the ways that we felt the depression was showing itself in our family-not exercising, eating badly, not hanging out, etc. Then she had us bring in our kiddos the following week, allowing them to voice the ways they saw it showing up.  The crazy thing?  They were so similar!  My family had been feeling it too.  WOW!! I can't tell you how freeing that was.

Well, I could go on and on, but that is where my depression journey is currently at.  Something I realized as I was in the process of getting "fixed" was that I don't really want to focus on my depression anymore, and while it will still pop it's ugly head out from time to time, I am ready to move on.  Plus I really do have so many cool things going on in my life right now, and those are truly the things I want to be sharing!

I am going to come back to my writing and sharing, but I am changing my focus.  I am letting go of the Finding Freedom, because I feel like I have Found it :-)  And I will be sharing on many of the exciting things that I am doing.  So, you will see a shift in the title of my website, Facebook page, Pinterest, Twitter, etc. and from here on out it will just be and I will have different categories for the what I am doing!

Well that's all for now, there isn't any more :-)  TTFN